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The Long Dong of the SEC Reaches…Space?

barry wilmore

According to Saturday Down South, Astronaut Barry Wilmore, who will be launched into space with two Russians next month, has requested access to The SEC Network during his 6 month trip.

Wilmore, a Navy captain and former Tennessee Tech football player told The Tennesseean, “I don’t watch a lot of sports — my wife might not agree with that — but I do like to watch football, the SEC Game of the Week.”

It’s unknown whether or not NASA will accommodate Wilmore, although his request certainly doesn’t seem unreasonable, considering that his two Russian shipmates have requested 700 cartons of cigarettes and a fluid ton of Smirnoff Vodka.

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“A Man’s Guide to Women”- The Most Accurate Video on the Internet

This video is well worth the 7 minutes. The Hot Crazy Matrix is on point. When I have a son, forget talking the Bird’s and the Bee’s, I’m breaking out this video and making him watch it. The “No Go Zone” is 100%. Too bad most of us guys have crossed that line but hopefully if was a Slump Busting situation or we had some serious beer goggles on. When dude got to the “Danger Zone” I lost it. Red Heads, Strippers, girls named Tiffany, and Hair Dressers. And watch out for those Tranny’s fellas.

Homeboy With a Stellar Roof Jump

Yeah I know we’ve all seen the GoPro videos of people doing crazy shit. Sky Diving, Cliff Jumping, Mountain Biking that make us all say, Holy Shit!! This wasn’t quite as extreme as some others but I was just as impressed. Not only did he drop 20 feet or so, but he did it into a slide, onto a sloped roof top, off the roof to the spiral metal staircase, and stick the fucking landing. Props Bro!! Pretty bad ass for a douchey parkour thing. I don’t have the balls to jump over a puddle.

Tour De France Cyclist Pees During Race

This likely happens all the time, but is never caught on camera or posted to Youtube. Either way, how impressive!

Perhaps he was just submitting a urine sample for testing. Or maybe the grass just needed to be watered.

 

White Trash Wednesday: Alabama Man Buys Natty Light with Stolen Credit Card

Editor’s Note: This is the first WTW post that is not Florida-related. 

According to a Tuscaloosa news source, police are looking for a man who bought two 30-packs of Natural Light with a stolen credit card. The suspect, shown in the surveillance photo above wearing (surprise surprise) an Alabama t-shirt, purchased the $47 worth of beer on July 15th in a Tuscaloosa convenience store.

Good for him. Obviously he thought that if he bought the same old cheap shit that he always drinks, nobody would suspect that the credit card was stolen. Or perhaps I’m wrong…maybe Natty is a step up from his usual Milwaukee’s Best or Busch Light. I’m not hating – I’ll throw back a Natural Light any day of the week, but if I had an indispensable amount of money, I’d probably at least go for a decent bottle of bourbon.

 

Reader Participation: Which Atlanta Sports Play Would Make the Best Statue?

the tip2

According to Yahoo Sports, two Seattle Seahawks fans are trying to raise money to build a statue commemorating “the tip,” Richard Sherman’s famous defensive play that sent Seattle to the Super Bowl last year.

Starting July 28, the two fans will begin a campaign to raise $250,000 to build the statue at BuildTheTip.com.

This, of course, got me thinking about which play in Atlanta sports history deserves a statue. Obvious choices are Sid Bream’s slide into home plate to win the 1992 NLCS, Jamal Anderson’s “Dirty Bird” celebration, or that time Zaza Pachulia headbutted Kevin Garnett.

Well, maybe those aren’t all obvious choices, but I’m stumped.

Sound off in the comments!

Greg Maddux Loved to Pee on Stuff

Maddux

Greg Maddux will officially be inducted into the Hall of Fame this weekend in Cooperstown, along with former teammate Tom Glavine, former manager Bobby Cox, Frank Thomas, and Joe Torre.

Everyone knows that Maddux was a legend on the field, winning 355 games, 4 consecutive Cy Young awards, and 18 Gold Gloves. What many casual fans don’t know about, however, are the legendary “pranks” he used to pull off the field during his 23 years as a Major Leaguer.

Readers can head over to Total Frat Move to find out more, but here are a few of my favorites:

I could tell you about how he (allegedly) urinated in the hot tub when he was a young Cubs pitcher, that story told to me years ago by Andre Dawson, who was in the big tub with a couple of other Cubs veterans when young Maddux informed them that he’d relieved himself in it a few minutes earlier.

Maddux used to like to find different ways to soil the clubhouse bin of sanitary socks, so thoroughly that teammates would have to carefully reach in to find a still clean pair, like it was a basket full of cobras, so as not to touch the socks that Maddux tainted. The story doesn’t say what Maddux did to them, but my guess is there was a solid rotation of bodily fluids going into the sock bin.

H/T to reader Daniel Clower for the link.

Video of Falcons New Stadium Will Give You Wood

A video of the Falcons new stadium and its projected appearance has been making the Internet rounds lately. Here it is in all its glory for those who haven’t seen it.

There’s a lot to take in – the soft piano music intro, Arthur Blank and his creepy Walt Disney mustache, shots of ATL landmarks, the Dirty Birds emerging from the tunnel before kickoff, heavier hype music, crowd noise, and then, HOLY SHIT THE STADIUM!!!

The architecture and engineering for the retractable roof will blow your fucking mind. The 360 degree jumbo-tron at the apex of the stadium is like a headband with a shitload of lights and words. We all saw this stuff months ago when the new stadium was announced, but to see it in video…WOW.

The day laborers at EVERY QUIKTRIP IN GEORGIA have gotta be drooling with the amount of work that this, the College Football Hall of Fame, and the Braves new stadium down the road in Cobb will soon generate.

Rory McIlroy Hits Golf Ball Very, Very, Very Far

 

Sure, this was likely wind-aided, and downhill, and in Scotland, but HOLY FUCKING SHIT 436 YARDS IS ABSOLUTELY MURDERED.

We’ve all shanked drives that don’t get beyond the ladies tee, and heard some asshole inevitably say, “gotta play the rest of the round with your dick out.”  Here, Rory should play the rest of the round with his dick out, and make his playing partner blow him while he’s at it. If I ever hit a drive that sniffed 400 yards, I’d play the rest of the round without fucking pants on.

This monster tee shot was hit so far, even the cameraman had trouble finding it. And those guys on the green? I’m sure they all whispered a collective “holy shit” after seeing the ball trickle on. Too bad those lame announcers didn’t show any excitement.

Not sure what got into Rory on this one…but it might have something to do with his new girlfriend. Caroline Who?

 

Michael Irvin Calls Out Cris Carter…Pretty Much Calls Him a Bitch

During a recent radio interview with Dan Le Batard, Michael Irvin addressed the future of Cleveland Browns receiver Josh Gordon, and specifically, recent commentary from Hall of Fame receiver and current annoying asshole Cris Carter.

Carter recently implied that because getting cut by the Eagles early in his career helped him end his drug addiction, it logically follows that getting cut by the Browns will also be best for Gordon’s career.

Irvin felt that Carter was out of line.

“[I] thought that was a bit irresponsible of [Cris] to make the comment about releasing Josh Gordon,” Irvin said, via Broward/Palm Beach New Times. “You know, what works for Cris, when we’re talking about true recovery, may not work for the other, so you can’t make a blanket statement and just say, ‘Worked for me, it’ll work for him,’ because that’s not necessarily the truth and I thought it was a bit irresponsible. We have to be very careful in this position, given the situation where you’re trying to help people, you’re truly trying to help people and then also turn around, saying ‘I’m mentoring and I’m helping, I’m helping.’ The people start thinking that you have insight on the situation or the issue or the problem so when you come out and make those kinds of comments and you’re not in his sessions with his professional help, you don’t know what’s going on in those sessions, then you’re being irresponsible. I was a bit disappointed Cris Carter made that statement.”

The meat of the story came when Irvin told Le Batard that Carter also once instructed Irvin’s wife to divorce him.

“He said to my wife — he said to my wife, ‘You know, Michael would never come out of this problem until you leave him. Till you leave him.’ For years, I’ve held it — I’ve never shared that with anybody. I’ve never in my life shared that with anybody. I was so irked with Cris because he was out of line then. His ass is out of line now. He is out of line,” Irvin said.

Fuck Cris Carter. Seriously, who in the fuck gave him the right to walk up to another man’s wife and tell her that she should file for divorce? I’m shocked that Irvin didn’t stab this piece of shit back in the day when he was cracked out of his mind. There are certain things in life that you just don’t do, and fucking with a man’s marriage is one of them.