Archive by Author | johnnyguch

WTW: Florida Women Arrested; Encouraged Child to Pee in Shampoo Bottle

Screen Shot 2014-08-20 at 1.58.08 PM

Veronica Cabanas and Cathleen Ibanez were both arrested for driving under the influence last week in Pembroke Pines, Florida. Both women had prescription pills on them without a prescription. Additionally, Cabanas’ daughter was not secured in a child seat, which is required by law.

All of this seems pretty typical for Florida residents, but the events leading up to the arrest were anything but normal.

According to CBS Miami, police were called to a beauty supply store where authorities say Cabanas and Ibanez were “causing a disturbance.”

The disturbance? Cabanas, according to the police report, WAS TRYING TO HAVE HER CHILD URINATE IN A BEAUTY BOTTLE and both women were throwing products around the store.

Let’s just imagine this scene for a moment. Two skanks, driving around Florida drunk and high on pills, on a weekday, decided to drop by the local Sally Beauty with a two-year old. Great day, right? Oh, but then the 2-year old girl had to ruin the fun by asking to go to the bathroom! Why stop the party sweetheart? Just use this bottle of Head and Shoulders and we’ll be on our way!

Hard Knocks: Episode 3 Recap

falcons-hard-knocks

Aside from the third trimester abortion against the Texans and losing Sam Baker for the entire year (which might not actually be a bad thing), this is a damn good episode.

The first ten minutes of the show looked more like a medical documentary than a show about football. Marquis Spruill apparently signed a waiver allowing HBO to film his ACL surgery, and holy shit did they ever invade his space. In a scene not for the weak stomach, the cameras get up close and personal, cleaning shit out of the knee, screwing shit in the knee, and grafting skin to cover shit on the knee. It was fucking sick. 

Some boring footage of Steven Jackson in the pool and Kroy Biermann dipping comes next, but what followed afterwards was flat out shocking:  Defensive line coach Bryan Cox has a 30 year old daughter.

Bryan Cox is 46.

“I told you, I started fucking when I was 10,” Cox said defiantly, as he scolded one player for following his daughter on Instagram.

Next, Falcons fans finally get some footage of their beloved Julio Jones and Matt Ryan, who actually drops several F-bombs in this episode and even tells a dirty joke.

The Falcons then traveled to Houston to practice with and play a preseason game against the Texans. The game itself was awful, with the Birds getting their asses handed to them. Starting left tackle Sam Baker tore his patellar tendon and is out for the season. 

Some other highlights:

  • Jake Matthews is the real fucking deal. He took on JJ Watt in practice and held his own. Fuckin stud.
  • William Moore has decent freestyle skills.
  • Harry Douglas, despite his horrible bowling technique in which he throws the ball about 10 feet in the air, with spin, appears to be a damn good bowler.
  • TJ Yates doesn’t know the playbook worth a shit, but everyone in the Texans organization loves him.
  • Devonta Freeman continues to look like a legitimate starting running back in the NFL.
  • Mike Smith still wears  awful sandals

Manziel or Vick? Which QB “Hung the Bird” Better?

manziel-vick

By now, I’m sure you’ve all had a chance to see what Johnny Football did last night. Hell, it’s the top story on ESPN.com. But let’s not forget – Michael Vick did the same thing back in 2006. 

So who did it better? Manziel had his back turned to his victim, walking away from the Redskins bench. Vick looked his hometown fans right in the mouth and said “fuck you.” Manziel’s bird came during a preseason game in which he was a backup. Vick pulled his off after a fourth consecutive regular season loss. 

All eyes were no doubt on both quarterbacks, and neither seem[ed] to give a flying fuck.

So what’s next for Mr. Football? If the events following Vick’s “flip off” are any indicator of what might follow, Manziel should never leave his house. Almost 1 year to the day of Vick’s gesture, the quarterback turned himself in to U.S. Marshals in order to begin serving a 23-month prison sentence for dogfighting. 

Good luck Johnny. 

Hard Knocks Episode 2 Recap

falcons-hard-knocks

Episode 2 of Hard Knocks was much better than Episode 1. No Steven Jackson, no Kroy Biermann, no bullshit distraction stories – just football. 

The episode took a unique turn from the start. Longshot fullback and former Kent State defensive lineman Roosevelt Nix-Jones was cut within the first 2 minutes of the show. Watching players get cut on Hard Knocks is never fun, and this one was no different. Although Nix-Jones took it like a professional, word of his departure quickly spread throughout camp, and players were visibly shaken by the message – shit just got real. 

Next, HBO ran a feature on Falcons General Manager Thomas Dimitroff. Instead of slow motion shots of TD making phone calls in his office, reviewing paperwork, or scouting players, HBO opted to show 5 minutes worth of Dimitroff riding his mountain bike on trails in the fucking forest. The set ultimately culminated with older footage of him and Lance Armstrong shredding through the mountains of Aspen, elephant walking, injecting themselves with steroids, and then shaving each others pubes in a hot tub. 

The Tennessee Titans came to town for a practice. Mike Smith told the team that anyone caught fighting would be kicked out of practice and fined. Joe Hawley immediately gets in a fight and is booted. Smitty later admitted that because he was standing up for a teammate, Hawley had committed a “fucking good penalty.”

The “fun” part of the episode came next when Ra’shede Hageman and fellow rookie Marquis Spruill went to the Atlanta aquarium to swim with the whale sharks. Fortunately, there was a wet suit large enough to fit Hageman. Spruill promptly tore his ACL the next day. Fuck.

The end of the episode featured last Friday’s preseason game against the Dolphins. Rookies Hageman and Prince Shembo looked great. Matty Ice had an 18-play touchdown drive. Rookie running back Devonta Freeman had nearly 100 yards in the second half, and white trash long shot Tyler Starr got to play near the end of the game. HBO loves Starr – the long haired, tatted up, 7th round pick from South Dakota, along with his fiancee and young son, get plenty of air time. 

The show ended with defensive line coach Bryan Cox smoking cigars with a few assistant coaches, talking about the game. 

Forbes Names Atlanta Most Miserable Sports City; Author of this Post Cries

atlanta-3

Atlanta was second to Seattle last year, but with the Seahawks demolishing the Broncos in the Superbowl, Forbes had little trouble putting the ATL atop this year’s list, just as it did in 2012.

As much as I hate to say it, this is spot on.

The greatest day of my life came in October of 1995. On the morning before game 6 of the World Series, a friend’s father, who was on call at the hospital in which he worked as a doctor, offered my dad 4 tickets to the game, provided that he took me and his son, along with another friend of our choice. Long story short, Tom Glavine pitched one of the greatest games in baseball history, Dave Justice hit a clutch home run in the 8th inning, and the Braves won 1-0 to close out the Series. The city went ballistic. I drank my first beer. MARTA was packed with folks of all races who hugged each other and did the Tomahawk Chop. Finally, a championship for my city. I was 14.

I’m now 32 and aside from the Falcons 1998 Superbowl appearance in which they got destroyed by John Elway, “we ain’t found shit.” Last year, when the Braves won the National League East and accordingly bowed out in the first round to the Dodgers, I made the following analogy:

Being an Atlanta sports fan is like getting a handjob (and only a handjob) every day for the rest of your life.

All of our teams are just good enough to make the playoffs (convincing a woman to touch our wiener), but can never, ever, go all the way and win a championship (intercourse).

It’s a brutal cycle. And Atlanta has great fans, despite what any outsider has to say. They see the empty seats on TV at the Ted and automatically think that people don’t give a shit. Hey asshole, you try to get to a game on a Thursday night after work. When the Hawks make the playoffs, something they’ve done for 7 consecutive years now, Philips Arena nearly explodes. The Dome is always packed for Falcons games. Hell, we threw a shitload of trash on the field when the umps shit the bed on a sack fly call in the playoffs!

We travel well too. I’ve have had the opportunity to see the Braves at Wrigley and in Milwaukee at Miller Park, and am convinced that there were more Braves fans in attendance than fans of the home teams. I saw the Falcons play the Steelers at Heinz Field and was quite impressed with the amount of our fans who made that trip for the 2010 season opener.

So yes, there are now three guarantees in life – death, taxes, and an Atlanta playoff loss – but I’ll be damned if anyone says we don’t care. It hurts man.

 

White Trash Wednesday: Florida Woman Steals Stuff, Leaves Kids at Walmart

WTW

A woman caught stealing at a DeLand, Florida Walmart handed the merchandise to the employees who stopped her…but then walked out, leaving her two small children behind! (Note: DeLand is the hometown of Chipper Jones).

According to the Daytona Beach News Journal26-year-old Rebecca Stoltz was arrested and charged with child abuse, neglect of a child and first-degree petty theft.

After refusing to cooperate with loss prevention officers, Stoltz handed over the $44 worth of stolen goods, and then left in a silver Nissan car without the children. A “friend” later stopped by and tried to pick up the kids, who were reportedly crying inside the store. Stoltz eventually returned and was arrested at the store.

On the bright side, at least she got a few hours of free daycare out of the deal.

 

Hard Knocks Episode 1 Recap

Smitty

Editor’s Note: This post is written by a lifelong Falcons fan and will be biased. 

Summary:  The first episode began by featuring a series of players, almost all of whom are very insignificant, and the journeys they took to get to training camp. As predicted, Kroy Biermann and his whore “reality star” wife Kim Zolciak were filmed. Once everyone gets to camp, football begins, Steven Jackson makes a speech to the other running backs, and then promptly pulls his hammy. The narrator takes some time to introduce the coaching staff, Mr. Blank, and Thomas Dimitroff. Oklahoma drills, set to EDM music ensue. HBO then has a nice juxtaposition between William Moore and rookie Devonta Freeman by featuring Moore’s gaudy Atlanta mansion next to footage of Freeman looking for a cheap-ass tiny apartment. The team plays a scrimmage at an Atlanta area high school on a Friday night; Matty, Roddy, and Julio all look good. Second Rounder Ra’Shede Hageman gets his ass kicked all scrimmage and looks out of shape. The episode ends with Smitty telling the team that “a lot of mistakes were made [during the scrimmage], but the effort was great.”

Highlights: There are many fights during camp – Biermann takes his frustration out on first rounder Jake Matthews when he can’t get around him during practice, Joe Hawley goes after rookie Jaques Smith. Smitty’s reaction to Jackson’s injury is priceless. Without saying so, he seems to be saying, “yep, that piece of shit is hurt again.” New OL and DL coaches Mike Tice and Bryan Cox are intense. Roddy talks a lot of shit to Willy Mo during practice.

Surprises: Steven Jackson paints pictures. Matt Ryan drives a Benz. Mike Smith wears awful sandals (see pic above). 2009 First Round Pick Peria Jerry retires. Everyone is shocked. When asked by Mike Smith if he has a plan, Jerry responds, “I’m probably gonna just work, do something with my family. Imma figure it out.” Great plan dude. Sounds like you’ve really thought this through.Your career was garbage.

Commentary: Just as I suspected, the Falcons are pretty boring and HBO tries pretty hard to make the team interesting. I love it. Can’t wait for episode 2.

 

Falcons to Take Flight Tonight on ‘Hard Knocks’

Kim-Zolciak-Dons-Body-Paint-Jersey-4

Falcons fans wealthy enough to afford HBO can get a sneak peak into the 2014 season starting tonight.

For a boring team like the Falcons, entertainment expectations must be low, considering that Roddy White provides the only occasional controversy via twitter. Or not.

But Hard Knocks has a way of bringing out the worst in a team. Just ask Antonio Cromartie. Maybe this year fans will be treated to Matt Ryan pissing in a hot tub, or Julio Jones being a complete asshole to teammates, or Mike Smith treating Flowery Branch like his own slave plantation . . .

Let’s be honest. Nothing cool will happen. Kroy Biermann and his wannabe reality star wife will get plenty of air time, but that’s about it.

Nevertheless, I’ll be providing a recap after each episode, and maybe my HBO Go user name and password to one lucky reader.

 

The Long Dong of the SEC Reaches…Space?

barry wilmore

According to Saturday Down South, Astronaut Barry Wilmore, who will be launched into space with two Russians next month, has requested access to The SEC Network during his 6 month trip.

Wilmore, a Navy captain and former Tennessee Tech football player told The Tennesseean, “I don’t watch a lot of sports — my wife might not agree with that — but I do like to watch football, the SEC Game of the Week.”

It’s unknown whether or not NASA will accommodate Wilmore, although his request certainly doesn’t seem unreasonable, considering that his two Russian shipmates have requested 700 cartons of cigarettes and a fluid ton of Smirnoff Vodka.

Tour De France Cyclist Pees During Race

This likely happens all the time, but is never caught on camera or posted to Youtube. Either way, how impressive!

Perhaps he was just submitting a urine sample for testing. Or maybe the grass just needed to be watered.