Real Life Florida Woman is Named Crystal Metheney

It wouldn’t be right for her to live in any other state.

Florida is a nice place to visit. From virtually anywhere in the Southeast, you can hop in your car and be at a Florida beach in a matter of hours. A visit to Panama City Beach is a right of passage for any teen growing up in the region. Tampa has a strip club on every block, Orlando has Disney World, and Miami has topless beaches. Great place, right?

Let’s not kid ourselves. Florida is the fucking armpit of the United States. You can spot a Florida guy from a mile away…the leathery skin, the yellow gold necklace, the frosted tips, the Tommy Bahama head-to-toe wardrobe, and somewhere (it never fails) there is a Florida Gators logo within arms length. I’ve ran into these unmistakeable assholes in foreign countries for fuck sake. And the women. No matter how attractive they are in their youth, they will undoubtedly end up looking like this.

Stay tuned for more Florida hate. I’ve got a hunch it will pick up quite a bit in the fall.

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