Thank God the Blackhawks Lost
This is a southern sports blog, right? Well, I left my Atlanta haven of 25 years for a temporary experiment in Chicago about a year ago. There’s a lot to like about Chicago – it’s beautiful, it’s clean, everyone is nice, and there’s always something to do. Hell, there’s even a Falcons and a Dawgs bar! The summers are magnificent! On the contrary, there is A LOT (especially for a hater like myself) to not like about the city.
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I popped my Chicago cherry with the 3RD COLDEST WINTER IN FUCKING HISTORY. Or some shit. Fuck. That.The food – overrated. Don’t let anyone tell you that Chicago pizza is the best; they’re probably knocking on death’s door from eating that pile of shit since birth. And yes, I like ketchup on my dog. I don’t want to hear your story of “why Chicagoans don’t use ketchup.” Get fucked.
Oh, and these people are fucking dumb! At least once a week, some asshole comes up to me and asks me if my 70-lb, red and rust dog with cropped, tall ears, is a greyhound? It’s a doberman you Ditka-looking puke. I recently played a round at “the busiest municipal golf course in the U.S,” as the starter was so proud to announce, right before he ribbed me for my golf polo, telling me that “Packers’ fans aren’t allowed on this course.” Huh? Ohhh…I see, he thought the Georgia “G” was a Pack….WHEN THE FUCK DID GREEN BAY START WEARING RED AND BLACK YOU DIPSHIT?
Oh, and the women are ugly as fuck. No lie. I’m a soon-to-be married man, but boy do I miss these spring days in the South. To quote a great friend, when describing the Southern scenery in the spring, “I just want to climb up in a tree and jack off all day as they walk by.” If I had a tree to watch them in up here, there’d be a noose attached to it.
Back to sports. These boobs live in a wind tunnel. To them, no other teams exist.
Cubs/Bears/Bulls/Blackhawks…and maybe, just maybe if you’re part of MS-13, the White Sox. Wrigley is overrated. Yeah, it’s fucking old and there’s ivy and some cool rooftops, but what history has been made there? The Cubs have fucking sucked for an eternity, the “fans” are too busy slamming Old Styles to pay attention, and I’d prefer not to piss eye-to-eye with a 68-year-old man at the trough. Hell, I’d probably give Bartman a handy if I met the guy. U.S. Cellular is my joint. It’s a quasi-gangland, a clean park, and hosts the best pitcher in MLB and a Cuban rookie that hits BOMBS. And they’re in the AL, so it’s not cheating on my Braves.
Da Bears. Fuck ’em. They’ll never win with Cutler.
Da Bulls. Fuck ’em. They’ll never play another game with Derek Rose.
The Blackhawks. My long-awaited conclusion. When I moved up here, a friend from back home (who has been up here for a few years) told me, “Man, I’m not really into hockey, but I got swept up in the Blackhawks excitement. It’s hard to not root for them. The whole city is electric.” Bull-F-ing-shit. I found it very easy to not root for them. In fact, there were nights within recent weeks where I’d be on the verge of going out to a bar, only to realize, “FUCK. THE BLACKHAWKS ARE PLAYING. I CAN’T DEAL WITH THAT SHIT, MAN.” Every time they score, they play this stupid song and everyone in the god damn bar sings along. Makes me want to puke.
As you can imagine, I was quite amused to wake up Monday morning to find out that the mighty Blackhawks had perished at the hands of the Kings in OT. FUCK YES. NO MORE GAY GOAL SONG.